Midgardian Smut
by LulaMadison
Summary: Loki discovers slash fic on the internet. Naturally, he uses it to annoy Thor, Tony, and Steve. Pairings: Thor/Loki and Tony/Steve. Warnings: Naughty words & naughtier situations.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairings: **Thor/Loki & Tony/Steve.** Rating: **M. **Summary: **Written for this prompt on Norsekink: Loki discovers slash fic on the internet. Naturally, he uses it to annoy Thor, Tony and Steve.

I haven't posted this here before because the formatting absolutely refused to work on one section of this fic, so if you want to see it in it's full... _glory_ I suggest reading it over at AO3 (archiveofourown_._org_/_works_/_316226 remove the underscores)

* * *

**~0~ MIDGARDIAN SMUT ~0~**

Steve placed his laptop on the kitchen table, poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down to check his email. When Tony had first shown him a computer and the Internet he had thought he would never be able to master it, but it turned out to be pretty easy when you had someone on hand 24 hours a day who loved to show off how much he knew about technology.

He clicked on his email and started to read the first one. It was from his aunts great-great grand-daughter, a lovely little girl, just 8 years old, who regularly sent him photos and stories she had written. He loved that even all these years later, while everyone he had known was either old or dead, he still had family, a connection, in this world.

_'Dear uncle Steve,' _the email began, _'I wrote you a story in class. It is about how much I love you and how you are my hero. My second favorite person is Iron Man. I think you should kiss him.'_

Steve thought that was a slightly strange thing for an 8 year old to be saying, but carried on reading.

_'I think you and Iron Man should get married and when you do on the wedding night you should let him fuck you all night long with his hard weeping cock over and over till you beg for more. _

_Lots of love, Annie._

_PS. Are you still a virgin? _

Steve slammed the laptop lid down and ran to Tony's lab.

~0~

* * *

~0~

"So they don't have virus on their end… The IP address checks out, this is definitely the email they sent, but the text has changed?" Tony asked, as Steve put the phone down.

"Yes, Annie's mom said the start of the email is the same, right up until the part she says I am her hero, it's just the rest that is different," Steve replied.

"So she didn't write the part about me being her second favorite? Well, quite frankly I'm upset."

"Tony, can we concentrate on this?"

"OK, OK… Are your other emails normal?"

"I haven't checked them yet," Steve said and opened the first mail. "This one is changed too, it says I should enlarge my... you know what... by 2 to 3 inches and there's a link. Should I click on it?"

"God no, and please if anyone asks you if they can pay a million dollars into your bank account, DON'T send them your details. What's next?"

"Newsletter off a company I bought a CD from."

"Open that one."

Steve clicked the email and said, "It all looks fine. Latest offers, company news and… Oh."

"What?"

Steve turned the laptop round pointed at the bottom half of the email, which said:

_'OUR LATEST BLU-RAY DEALS: Get 50% off The 90 Year Old Virgin. The heart-warming tale of how Steve Rogers is tenderly relieved of his virginity by playboy Tony Stark. Get 50% off The Incredibly Well Endowed Hulk…'_

Tony hit the back button, opened the next email and read the first line.

_'"Harder, Tony, harder," Steve moaned, his legs bent up to his chest as…'_

"OK, I've seen enough," Tony said.

"It's all of them?" Steve asked and Tony nodded. "Then how the hell is this happening?"

"Someone has to be intercepting the mail somewhere along the route and changing the contents somehow," Tony said, opening his own laptop and tapping on the keys. "All the emails came across different mail servers and the only one they all have in common is our server."

"What are you doing?" Steve asked.

"I am sending you an email," Tony replied, opening Steve's laptop again and clearing the inbox. "It should only go to our server. If someone's hacked into it, there should be a delay as they change the document."

Tony hit send and within milliseconds the email appeared in Steve's inbox. They both gathered round the laptop as Steve clicked on the email and their mouths dropped open.

The email was a crudely rendered ASCII picture of an erect penis.

"That's impossible," Tony said. "No one could alter it that quickly."

"Impossible?" Steve asked. "Or just inhumanly impossible?"

"Are you suggesting we have an alien in our mail server?"

"Maybe not an alien," Steve said. "Maybe a Norse god we know who likes to play tricks?"

"That little green bastard! I'm going to kill him."

"Stark!" Thor said, as he entered the room. "I have received a strange communication."

"Not you as well?" Steve asked.

"You have also received it? I hope you did not read it, it is most personal."

Tony took the laptop from Thor and opened the lid.

"Fury has sent me a message," Thor explained. "Do you know where he is? I would like an explanation for this smut."

_'Subject: Memo to Thor Odinson._

_Body: Thor kissed Loki greedily as he rubbed his finger against the Tricksters entrance, slowly pushing inside him…'_

"Oh my god," Tony said, and turned the laptop away. "Steve don't read that. It's not from Fury. Someone has been tampering with the real messages and changing what they say."

"The only person we can think of is Loki," Steve said.

"You are suggesting my brother would send me a communication about how I ravish his body?" Thor asked, menacingly.

"Well…" Steve tried to back peddle. "Pulling a trick like this, it's kinda what he does…"

Thor pondered the idea for a moment, then looked up and shouted, "BROTHER! I know you can hear me! It would be wise to show yourself!"

A low chuckle came from the corner of the room and they turned to see Loki emerge from the shadows with a twisted smirk on his face.

"You called?" he asked.

"What is the meaning of this? Why have you sent such filth?" Thor asked him.

"Because it was fun," Loki said, "And I did enjoy seeing the Captain blush when he read the lewd message."

"Did you write it?"

"Of course not, Thor. I was simply traveling in the Internet one day and came upon it."

"It's called 'browsing the Internet', not traveling." Tony said, unable to resist the lure of a little education.

"Stark," Loki snorted, "Mortals browse the internet. I am no mere mortal."

"Wait," Tony said, "You mean you can go INTO the Internet? Is that how you were able to change the emails so quickly?"

"Of course, it is very simple for someone who knows how to teleport and shape shift."

"So you shape shift into what? 1s and 0s?"

"My goodness," Loki said. "You really don't understand how it works at all do you? One day you will realize that I am what you would call a scientist also, Stark. I am just infinitely better at it than you."

"Brother, you have to stop doing this," Thor said.

"Or what?" Loki replied, moving closer to Thor in an ominous manner. "You can't make me stop. You couldn't keep me out even if you tried."

The brothers glared at each for a second and then Loki said, "Did you enjoy reading what I sent you? I have access to lots more."

"I did not read it."

"You should," Loki said, raising his hand and lazily trailing a finger down Thor's jaw line. "It made for most… interesting reading."

Tony and Steve stepped back, thinking the brothers were about to have another of their vicious fights that always ended with collapsed buildings and everything within 100ft being devastated, but instead Loki simply took a step back.

"I have an appointment I must not be late for, I bid you good day, gentlemen," he said, and vanished.

~0~

* * *

~0~

"What do you mean, we can't keep him out?" Fury asked. "You told me our server was impenetrable to hackers. You said we have the best security and encryption in the world."

"Well, technically he's not hacking the server," Tony said.

"So explain it to me, if you can," Fury said, folding his hands on the desk.

"Loki said he's a scientist and Thor said that all magic IS science."

"Yes…"

"Our best theory is that it works at some kind of atomic level, that he can say, rearrange the atoms of a car and turn it into ice cream, or the text of an email by rearranging the electrical signal."

"That's impossible!"

"Impossible for us, at our level of scientific understanding, but the Asgardians are ancient. Who knows what they have learnt to do in that time."

"So why hasn't he just disintegrated you all every time you have fought, if he has that level of power?"

"Well, if he did that who would he have to play with?" Tony asked.

Fury stared at Tony for a while and then asked, "So what do we do?"

"Nothing. There's nothing we can do," Tony said. "If we cut the hard lines on the network there's nothing to stop him teleporting inside the building. With time I might be able to generate some form of shield to stop him coming in, but until then everything we do on the network is fair game."

~0~

Fury ordered that the network be shut down completely, and despite the protests everything was transferred to a paper based system. Everything took hours now, all requests for information had to be printed out delivered by hand and incinerated.

Fury typed up a memo to all staff, reminding them that this was just a temporary situation and would only last until Stark came up with a solution to the 'Loki problem'. He took it to the copy department and left orders for it to be sent to all heads of departments.

About 20 minutes later his phone rang.

_"Sir, it's the copy department. We seem to be having a little issue with printing out your memo," _the voice on the other end of the line said.

"If you are having problems with the machines, you need to call tech support, not me."

_"No sir, I thought it would be best to keep this between ourselves."_

"What is it?"

_"Well, sir, we've double and triple checked the copiers and your note, but…"_

"Exactly what is the issue here?" Fury asked, more than a little irritated at the mans dithering.

_"Well, we are definitely printing your memo, but all the is coming out of the copier is um… pornography… about you and a man named Odin."_

"IT'S WHAT?" Fury shrieked.

~0~

The next morning the network was switched back on and once again the only thing that was tampered with was Thor, Steve and Tony's emails. Thor would open his mail and read the text from behind his hands, then delete it quickly. Tony would spend hours reading every single link Loki sent him and eventually replied to one email saying,_ 'SEND MORE PORN'_, to which Amazon customer services replied, _'What?' _

Steve had opened and deleted each email unread, until curiosity got the better of him one day. He nervously clicked the link and started to read. The story was surprisingly well written and he could imagine every word coming out of Tony's mouth. As it took a saucy turn and story-Steve and story-Tony were laid on a sofa kissing, he started to imagine Tony's mouth on his and was surprised just how much the idea appealed to him.

~0~

* * *

~0~

Thor sat down on his bed and started pulling his boots off. He heard a sound, it was like music, but muffled. He could feel a vague buzzing sensation under his pillow and shoved his hand underneath it until he found the object.

It was a cell phone. He had seen Stark use one and been offered one himself, but had refused it, so he had no idea where this one came from. On the screen there was a picture of his brothers grinning face, his hand held up to his ear, his thumb and small finger extended, the rest curled.

_'All the single ladies. All the single ladies.' _

Thor stared at the phone, not quite knowing what to do next.

"For Odin's sake, Thor!" Loki shouted, as he appeared in the room, clad only in a green towel, draped loosely around his hips. He pointed at a green button on the screen and said, "You press here when I call you." He vanished again.

Thor pressed the green button and held the phone up to his ear and said, "Hello?"

_"Hello Thor,"_ Loki purred. _"Tell me, brother, what are you wearing?"_

"But… you know what I am wearing, you were just here."

_"Tell me anyway,"_ Loki demanded.

"I am wearing my armor."

_"Good, good. Are you wearing your cape?"_

"Of course, it is part of my armor."

_"What color is it?"_

"Loki, you know it is red."

_"Red, I am imagining you in it, right now."_

"Brother, what is this, and why were not wearing any clothes?"

_"I have heard that talking to people on the phone can be exciting, and I am bored of reading smut for today."_

"You are STILL reading that?"

_"The Internet is full of smut Thor, I am only post one of six."_

"I thought you were a fast reader, brother."

_"I am, but I can only pleasure myself so many times in one day."_

"Loki, that is disgusting! Tell me how to end this conversation."

_"You press the red button, but wait, Th-"_

Thor hung up the phone, went into the bathroom, wrapped the phone in his thickest towel and placed it behind the U bend of the toilet. He would ask Stark what to do the next day.

~0~

Tony banged his hand on the desk repeatedly as he laughed.

"What is so amusing, Stark?"

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping his eyes, "But that's the best laugh I've had all week."

"I thought you would know what I should do."

"Well, personally I would have gone along with it. It's not every day you get offered phone sex with a god."

"Stark! If you dare take pleasure from my brother we will have words."

"Whoa, back off big guy, I wouldn't step on your territory."

"What are you implying?" Thor asked.

Steve walked into the room, his eyes red from lack of sleep, and threw a cell phone on the table.

"Tell your brother to stop calling me!" he shouted at Thor, and walked back out of the room.

~0~

* * *

~0~

The phone calls were becoming a regular nighttime activity now. At first Thor had smashed the phone and thrown it away, only have it mysteriously re-appear next to his bed within minutes. He let it run out of charge, it still rang. Tony showed him how to take the sim card out, it still rang. If he ignored it, it still rang at an increasingly loud volume until the room started to shake and everyone shouted at him to just answer the phone already.

Eventually he realized it was far quicker, to take Loki's call, let him rant and ramble for a hour, then say he was going to bed. Sometimes the calls were pleasant, cozy chats about how their day had been, other times Loki would shout down the phone about how people on the Internet said he should date Dr Doom. Those were the conversations that irked Thor the most.

"Loki, will you please stop calling me with this nonsense," Thor said, one night.

_"No, I will not! Do you know what they have said now?"_

"Who?"

_"The Midgardians who write the smut!"_

"No Loki," Thor said, rubbing his tired eyes. "What have they said now?"

_"They all seem to think I'm smaller than you!"_ he said, with a note of outrage to his voice.

"You ARE smaller than me."

_"How dare you! An inch if that! An inch is nothing!"_

"Maybe they mean you are too slight."

_"Maybe they mean you are too fat,"_ He snapped.

"Loki, that is a terribly hurtful thing to say."

_"Sorry."_

"If you want to increase your size in general I suggest you start training more. I will spar with you if you wish."

_"I do not like to spar. I do not like to be sweaty, and sticky, and out of breath."_

"Which is perhaps why you prefer to read smutty stories, rather than be intimate with another in real life?" Thor teased.

_"Shut up, brother! You know none may touch Loki!"_ he shouted, and hung up.

Thor smiled to himself, pleased that he had annoyed his brother enough to end the conversation early, and settled back down to sleep. He was just starting to doze off when he received a text message alert. He frowned and reached over, taking his phone from the bedside table.

It was a picture message. A picture of Loki with white text over it that said "I have Mjolnir in my pants" and underneath Loki had written the message, _'Never mind. I found 1 area everyone thinks I'm bigger than U LOL!'_

~0~

The next night the call was similar, Loki ringing to complain about the Internet.

_"Thor!"_ Loki sniffled down the line. _"The Midgardians have hurt my feelings again."_

"Yes Loki, that story you sent me today was most hurtful, I would never take you against your will."

_"What? That? No, that didn't upset me, those are my favorite types of story. No, this time they have gone too far!"_

"What have they done this time?" Thor said, rolling his eyes.

_"They said my children are monsters!"_

"Oh…" Thor said, "That is actually rather rude."

_"Well, I shall have my revenge on them,"_ Loki said, his voice suddenly snarling.

"How are you going to do that?"

_"I shall flood their precious website and take it offline."_

"Is that wise brother?"

_"Why would that not be wise?"_

"Because you also like to read the smut, and if you remove the site you will be unable to read it too."

Loki paused for a moment and then said, _"Well, yes... I know! I shall influence the designers to remove comment subjects. That will teach them I should not be trifled with!"_

"I don't know what that means brother, is it important?"

_"Oh yes, Thor, very important!"_ Loki said laughing._ "Now I must go. Don't forget to check your email in the morning. I will send you something very pretty. Tell Steve too, and Stark."_

~0~

"Steve? STEVE?" Tony shouted as he sprinted through the mansion, he had to find him before it was too late. He ran into the kitchen and saw Steve sat at the table his laptop in front of him.

"Don't click that link!" he shouted, sprinted round the table, and covered Steve's eyes with his hands.

It was too late. Steve had already seen the drawing and he pushed Tony's hands away.

"People think that we do that?" Steve asked, tilting his head.

"I think it's more wish fulfillment."

"People WANT us to do that?"

"If it's any consolation," Tony said, tilting his head as well, "You look like you're really enjoying it."

They sat in silence for a moment, both looking at the exquisitely rendered picture of Tony leaning Steve over a table and taking him from behind.

"Whoever the artist is," Steve said, "I have to admit they have a hell of a lot of talent."

"Yeah, they really captured the likeness."

"I have a feeling one part of it is out of perspective and appears bigger than it is in real life," Steve said, smirking.

"Hey!" Tony said. "That's not nice. Say that again and I might have to show you how accurate that drawing is."

"Maybe I might like to draw something like this myself." Steve said, turning to face Tony.

"I assume for that you would need a life model," Tony said, moving closer.

"I think I'd need detailed… intimate…" He never got to finish the sentence as Tony cut his words off with a kiss.

Somewhere in the mansion Thor opened the link to a picture that Loki had sent him and Tony and Steve thought they heard a girl scream.


	2. Chapter 2

"Brother, it is almost midnight," Thor said. "Can we please end this call now and speak more tomorrow?"

_"Do you know I have actually read so many stories where I call you that in the throes of passion that the word itself has started to sound sexy to me now. Call me it again."_

"Call you what? Brother?"

_"Yes, yes! Say it again…"_

"Brother."

_"Again!"_

"Brother…"

_"Again…"_ Loki said, breathlessly this time.

Thor paused a second and then in a low moan he said, "Brrotthher…"

The only sound after that was Loki breathing heavily on the other end of the line, and then suddenly he said, _"I have to go,"_ and hung up.

Thor chuckled to himself. Loki would not always have the last laugh.

As he settled into bed the sound of Loki's breath kept replaying in his mind. He wondered idly about his brothers intentions, drifted into a dozing sleep and had a dream of laying his hands on Loki and causing him to make those sounds again.

~0~

Thor had spent much of the day thinking about his brother, and at 10pm the next night the phone rang again.

_"Thooorrr… The Midgardians, they think I cry all the time,"_ Loki whined, audibly sniffing and wiping his nose.

"Brother, it is late. Must we have this conversation now?"

_"It is important."_

"No, it is not. I am hanging up."

_"Wait, wait!"_

Thor hung up the phone and sat on his bed, waiting. Just as expected, Loki appeared within seconds.

"Why did you end our conversation?" he demanded.

"Why do you keep sending me filthy stories and drawings?"

"Because it is funny."

"Loki… Why will you not just ask me for what you want, instead of this."

"I do not want anything from you," Loki said, suddenly defensive.

"I know that is not true or else you would not persist. If you want me to kiss you, you only have to ask, and I will."

Loki stood, dumbstruck for a moment and then stammered, "W-w-why do you think I would want to kiss you?"

"If you did not then why are the only stories you ever show me are ones where we are together?"

"I thought they would upset you. That you would find them disgusting."

"On the contrary," Thor said, "I have thought of doing the things described in those stories quite a lot recently."

"With me?" Loki asked, nervously.

"Yes. With you."

Loki paused a moment and then Thor said, "Would you like me to kiss you?"

Loki nodded apprehensively and Thor moved towards him.

"Do not be nervous, brother," Thor said, placing his hands on Loki's shoulders and leaning in to kiss him. Their lips were about to touch, hot breath on each other's faces, and suddenly Thor found himself holding nothing but fresh air as Loki vanished.

15 minutes later Thor received a text message that read _'Ha ha! U fell for my joke. As if I would kiss U. Pervert.'_

Thor typed back slowly, _'When you are ready to act like an adult come back. Until then do not contact me again.'_

"What do mean, act like an adult?" Loki said, appearing back in the room, as Thor knew he would.

"I mean when you stop running away. You have no reason to fear me brother. I will not hurt you, if you let me love you."

"Maybe I do not want you to love me," Loki blurted out, almost reflexively.

"We both know that is not true," Thor said. "If you want me, you can have me, but only if you say it."

"I… I…" Loki struggled to get the words out, and said quietly, "I want you."

"And you can have me," Thor replied, moving closer to him. He placed a hand on Loki's cheek, half expecting him to flinch away, then lent in and planted a gentle kiss on his lips. "That was not so bad, was it?"

Loki stepped back, his eyes wide like a rabbit caught in headlights, and vanished.

Not long after he received a text message that simply said, _'Sorry,'_ and Thor replied _'When you are ready, I will still be here.'_

~0~

After 3 days of hearing nothing from Loki, Thor finally received an email containing a link to a story. Thor clicked on it, excepting it to be ridiculously dirty again, but was rather surprised when it was actually a sweet, romantic and very loving tale. Thor sighed as he finished it and wished he could figure out what on earth was going on in his brother's head. He got out his phone and sent Loki a text message that simply said, _'I miss you.'_

Thor was surprised when he received no reply, and later that night, as he started to doze off in bed he felt the sheets moving as Loki clambered into the bed next to him and lay down with his back to Thor. Neither said anything, they simply slept, and when Thor woke the next morning Loki was gone.

~0~

It took a week of creeping into Thor's bed before Loki had turned round to face him. He stiffly accepted Thors hug and eventually fell asleep in his arms. Two weeks later and Loki let Thor kiss him again. It was better than Thor had dreamed it would be, but the way Loki pulled back was disconcerting.

"Loki," Thor asked, "You have done this before, haven't you?"

"Yes," Loki said. "Does that displease you?"

"Not at all, you just seem scared."

"It has not been like this before. It has always been quick and," Loki lowered his eyes, "not particularly pleasurable."

"Has someone hurt you, brother?" Thor asked, filled with horror at the idea

"No, no," Loki said. "It was never like that."

"Good," Thor said. "I would kill anyone who hurt you."

"Thank you," Loki said, burying his way into Thors arms. "You are far too nice to me."

"No, I am not," Thor said, smiling and kissing his forehead.

~0~

* * *

~0~

Steve sat in bed reading a book while Tony idly flicked TV channels. They both heard the muffled moan from the room next door and looked at each other, grinning. They jumped up and planted their ears against the wall. There was silence for a moment and then something thumped gently against the wall, followed by another a moan. Soon there was a regular rhythm pounding out and Steve giggled and covered his mouth.

"Sounds like someone's putting out at last," Tony said with a grin.

"What's it been now? 3 months?" Steve asked.

"I'm amazed Thor's balls haven't rotted off, the length of time Loki made him wait."

_"Uh... Uh... Brother...Brother..."_ they heard Loki moan loudly, through the wall.

"Wow," Tony said, "I really have no idea if I should be turned on or disgusted by that."

"I think it's kinda hot," Steve said with a smile.

"Oh really?" Tony asked. "You like that, huh?"

Tony reached over and pulled Steve in for a passionate kiss, then said, "I bet I can last longer that Thor."

"Wanna find out?"

"I sure do."

Tony was wrong.

~0~

* * *

~0~

In the first light of dawn Thor watched Loki sleep, so relaxed, a slight smile ghosting over his lips, and he knew everything would be different now. Loki loved him and Thor loved him in return, but most importantly Loki had allowed himself to actually feel it for once. The fact that Loki was still here and had not vanished during the night spoke volumes.

Thor reached over and gently pushed back a stray strand of hair from Loki's forehead, then leant to kiss him gently on the corner of his mouth. He watched as his brother smiled in his sleep and then murmured, "Thor."

Loki stretched, sighed gently and then opened his eyes.

"Good morning," Thor said, beaming with happiness, but instead of smiling back Loki started looking around him with a vague expression of panic on his face.

"What time is it?" Loki asked, rubbing at his eyes.

"It is early," Thor said and then watched, dismayed, as Loki jumped out of bed and started picking up his clothes. "You are leaving?"

"Of course, I have a meeting with my associates today. I do not want to arrive in this disheveled state."

"You still intend to be a villain?"

"Do not be ridiculous Thor," Loki said, pulling his tunic over his head. "Your cock does not suddenly possess magical healing powers. You thought I would lay with you once-"

"Three times."

"Alright, three times, and everything would be change? That is incredibly naive of you, brother."

"Loki," Thor said, grabbing his wrist and turning him round, "I love you. Please, do not leave me now."

Loki frowned slightly, pulled his arm free from Thor's grasp and then lent over to kiss him.

"I may return later, if everything goes well," Loki said as he stood, and pulled his breeches on.

"Do you love me?" Thor asked.

Loki stopped in his tracks for a second, briefly flicking his eyes towards his brother, and then continued getting dressed.

"You cannot even say it can you? After what we did last night, you still cannot admit it."

"I am who I am, brother, and not even this can change that," he replied sadly. He picked up his boots and said, "Farewell."

Loki vanished, leaving Thor alone and wondering if his brother had really meant it when he said he would return.

~0~

Thor walked dejectedly into the kitchen.

"Morning," Tony said as he sat at the table, checking out the deeply pornographic and incredibly hot pictures Loki had sent him the day before, on his laptop.

"You look tired, Stark," Thor said, noting the dark smudges under his eyes.

"Well, it's hard to sleep when someone's going at it in the room next door half the night."

"You could hear?"

"I'm pretty sure half of New York could hear."

"I apologize," Thor said. "My brother is an exceptionally responsive lover."

Tony choked on his coffee and said, "Now that's something I could have done without hearing."

"I will ask him to be quiet next time."

"It's not just him who is noisy."

"Oh, sorry," Thor said and pulled a chair out, slumping down into it.

"What's going on?" Tony asked, "And where is Loki? I thought he'd be swanning around here like the cat that got the cream."

"He left. I thought it would be different, but he has left to meet with his associates."

"Oh," Tony replied, "Well ya know, he has a lot of issues. A damn good seeing to isn't going to fix everything."

"I have no idea what that means."

"I mean that sex isn't a good cure for mental illness."

"No, but I thought love would be," he said, and Tony had half a mind to laugh or poke fun at him, but he knew Thor was completely sincere with every word he was saying.

"It might," Tony said, "Just give him some time, OK?"

~0~

Thor sat at the kitchen table with his laptop open in front of him. He had been there all day, inbox open, waiting to see if Loki would send him a message. Every time an email arrived he smiled, opening it and hoped it would be changed to include something smutty, a little sign that Loki was thinking about him, but every email was normal.

"You should go do something fun rather than sitting and waiting," Tony said, when he came into the kitchen for yet more coffee and found Thor silently staring at his empty inbox. "Steve will spar with you I'm sure."

"I would rather wait," Thor said.

"What if he doesn't come back tonight?"

"Then I shall continue to wait."

Tony sighed as he poured out his coffee and then almost dropped the pot when Loki appeared out of thin air.

"Loki," Thor said with a smile, "You have returned!"

"I said I would, did I not?" he replied, flicking his cape backwards so he did not sit on it as he moved to a chair. "You think me a liar now?"

"Well…duh," Tony replied.

Loki frowned slightly and said, "Brother, I have brought you and your pet mortals a gift. A gesture of good will between... friends."

"Wait, let me guess… Is it porn?" Tony asked.

"No," Loki replied.

"Oh, shame."

Loki raised one eyebrow at Tony and then continued, "My associates are planning an attack. I brought you the full details. Place. Time. How it will happen and how you can foil them."

"You would betray them?" Thor asked. "Why would you do that?"

"They insulted me!" Loki shouted, suddenly angry. "They will pay for that mistake."

"Why would they insult you, brother? I thought many of them feared you."

Loki sat silent for a second, his rage filled, scrunched up expression softened and then he dropped his head slightly.

"I accidentally sent…." The rest of the words were quiet mumbling.

"What was that?" Tony asked.

"I accidentally sent them a picture intended for Thor," Loki spat.

"Oh my god, you sent them one of those drawings?" Tony asked, laughing.

Loki sucked air in through his teeth, he put his elbow on his knee and put his forehead on his hand. He said, "It is far worse than that."

"But what could be worse than that?" Thor asked.

"_Ooohhhh!_ Ooohhhh! Ooohhhh! You didn't?" Tony said excitedly, as Loki covered his face with his hands and nodded.

"I do not understand," Thor said.

"Your little brother here accidentally sent naked pictures of himself to… Who did you send them to?"

"Doom," Loki choked out, still covering his face with his hands.

Tony howled with laughter and pulled his phone from his pocket, "I gotta ring Steve, he's going to DIE when I tell him this!"

"No! I forbid you to tell anyone," Loki shouted as he jumped up from his seat. "If you do I will turn you into sentient undergarments and wear you every day!"

"Seriously, that's a price I'm willing to pay because this is too good not to share," Tony said and Loki remained silent, biting his lower lip in lieu of something to say back. Tony tapped on the screen of his cell phone and started to walk away. "Hey Steve! Listen, you aren't gonna believe what I just heard…"

"I will have my revenge, Stark!" Loki shouted after him.

~0~

* * *

~0~

The attack had gone exactly as Loki said it would and Doom and his army were defeated exactly as Loki said they could be. In honor of yet another great victory for the avengers, the city had decided to throw them a ticker tape parade.

On the day of the celebration Thor donned his finest armor and Loki busied himself making sure his brother looked perfect, straightening his cape to ensure it was free from creases and brushing it down with his hands. He took a step back and observed.

"How do I look?" Thor asked.

"Like a hero," Loki said, with a slight sigh.

"Are you sure you will not ride with us brother? It was your information that allowed us to defeat Doom's army."

"I hardly think a parade in honor of Earth's mightiest heroes is a place for a villain such as myself, Thor."

"You are a villain no longer."

Loki smiled, sighed loudly and said, "Ahhhh Brother, still so naive. Run along now, your chariot awaits."

Thor grinned, kissed Loki on the cheek and then bounded towards the bus.

"I will see you later, Loki!" he shouted back over his shoulder.

Loki waved gently, a wry grin spreading over his face and as the bus pulled away he folded his hands in front of himself.

"Indeed you will, brother. Indeed you will," he said and laughed.

~0~

Thor had never seen anything like it. He'd been to gatherings that thousands attended, but he had never seen such unrestrained joy. The paper rained down from the air like Jotunheim snow and it was beautiful.

"This is amazing!" Steve said, as he gripped the handrail of the open topped bus with one hand and waved with the other.

"Aye Captain. I wish Loki were here to witness it with us," Thor said.

"I'm sure he's lurking out there somewhere, watching."

"Steve!" Tony shouted, as he came bounding over. "You have to come see this! Some girl just flashed me from an office window!"

"What?" Steve asked, disentangling his wrist from Tony's hand and shooting him a disapproving look.

"I'm joking you idiot! Why do I need to look at some random woman, who was obviously a 34dd, when I have you?" Tony replied sweetly. He planted a kiss on Steve's cheek, not caring that the eyes of the whole city were upon them and then walked back over to the side of the bus where Bruce and Natasha stood.

Steve blushed slightly and looked down at the floor for a second. He noticed something strange. He picked up a piece of the paper.

"Hey, is this normal? This ticker tape has writing on it," Steve said, holding it up so he could read the small typeface. "Oh my god! Stop the parade! STOP THE PARADE!"

"What is the problem, Captain?" Thor asked when he saw Steve's panicked state. Steve didn't answer him, he simply pushed the piece of ticker tape into Thor's hand and ran down the stairs of the bus.

Thor held the paper up and read it.

The type said, _'Steve moaned and arched his back as Tony thrust into his body with the enormous red and gold-'_

"LOKI!" Thor bellowed.

~0~

Loki stood in the crowd, tears of laughter running down his face, and a small boy plucked a piece of tape from his mothers hair as she held him aloft so he could see his heroes. The boy noticed the writing on the ticker tape and read it slowly, sounding out each word in his head. He didn't understand one of the words.

"Mommy?" the small boy asked, as his mother lowered him down to the ground, "What's a dildo?"

~o~

* * *

This story is complete :-) Sorry, but no more updates for this one!


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